


last words of a shooting star

by kxrapikaz



Series: kxrapikaz vent time woohoo [1]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, feeling: inadequate, is it obvious im the youngest sibling lol, literally thats it - Freeform, mae 9pm ramblings, switchin things up again, this time its thru kalluto, wtf mae venting once again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:07:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27215398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kxrapikaz/pseuds/kxrapikaz
Summary: and i always wanted to die clean and pretty(in which i use 'i suppose' far too often than necessary)
Series: kxrapikaz vent time woohoo [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1986907
Comments: 5
Kudos: 11





	last words of a shooting star

I suppose it’s silly for me to consider myself to be on the same level as any of my siblings. Even Milluki, despite his unsightly appearance and less than savoury personality, is superior to me. Whether it be strength, or intellect, or raw ability, all four of my older siblings hold some form of advantage over myself; I truly do not think that I will ever match up to the legacy that Mother or Father or Illumi or Killua has left for me. 

I suppose that’s why I joined the Troupe, replacing Hisoka Morow as the Spider’s number Four. It’s only fitting, isn’t it? I am nothing but a misfit, and thus I must find my place with my own kind. They are accepting enough, with some even taking the gratuitous role of older sibling figure, and yet I still manage to seem incongruous even within such a tight-knit group. Or maybe that closeness is what makes me feel so out of place, so intrusive. 

I do not think I have ever had a place here, even amongst those I consider to be friends. Friends? Or merely people who tolerate my presence? Tolerate me as Killua did, as Mother did? Often I find myself drifting away, my thoughts floating somewhere entirely different, nebulous and inchoate as I allow myself to get lost. A particular favourite daydream of mine is one in which I am welcomed, scooped into warm and inviting arms until the breath escapes my lungs. I have no recollection of ever receiving a hug from anybody before I joined the Troupe; Machi had been the first to ever initiate it, dragging me into a half-hug, half-headlock, and to say it caught me off guard would be a grossly enormous understatement. I had squawked (such an atrocious noise for a  _ Zoldyck _ to have made), flailing my arms a little as I found my shoulders pressed up against her chest without warning. I suppose it was nice. She had been warm, if not a little sweaty, and before I even had time to stop myself, I was nuzzling closer into her touch. 

But it seems that all good things must come to an end. Because not even a week ago, I received news that Killua had returned home. Killua! It has been well over a year, if not more, since I last saw my own brother, and I do not know how to feel about it. Killua had always absorbed the spotlight, regardless of how begrudgingly, and I think it was rather foolish of me to assume that he would not return to reclaim the spot that was rightfully his. What I had failed to assume, however, was that he would have returned only to take Alluka and that  _ thing  _ from the basement that Father’s butlers had dutifully constructed. I will not say that it had no effect on me whatsoever, because that would be blatant dishonesty. I will not lie and conceal the aching, burning pang that it left in my heart and the pit of my stomach, and I most certainly will not hide the spitting, bubbling envy that corrodes my insides and turns my words to venom in my throat.

Because when had Killua  _ ever  _ so much as given me a second glance? I have no doubts that, if I had been in Alluka’s place, he simply would have left me to rot as he explored the world with his stupid, arrogant friends. 

Though, isn’t that all I deserve? I have nothing to make myself individual, nothing to set myself apart from my parents and siblings, nothing that grants me relevance even within my own family. I suppose I must have truly failed.

**Author's Note:**

> wtf mae vents thru mitski and comfort kins AGAIN omg


End file.
